Welcome to “A Complete Idiot’s Guide” where you will be guided by me, a complete idiot. This week? St. Patrick’s Day. Please enjoy this advice, which differs from all the other idiotic advice out there in that instead of being for a complete idiot it is written by a complete…

a metal one that’s dented a purple one with a sparkly handle the red one that cracked the thick yellow one I stepped on and hurt my foot at the Jersey Shore one that fits over my head my winter bucket, but just take the fur off a pail ten…

Excretion in the age of President Trump — The woods — Not always around when nature calls, but an elegant solution to the problem your identity creates for bigots. A hat — People these days buy so many hats they NEVER wear. Let’s finally put them to good use. IKEA’s model bathroom — Never put too much of…

Just because you don’t have a plan doesn’t mean you shouldn’t execute it. — Insurance carriers — Aircraft carriers that fire insurance at the American people. A pile of Bandaids — And when we run out, duct tape will most likely work. Witches and Warlocks — Your copay is probably going to be disgusting. The cast of Grey’s Anatomy — You treat enough fake…

An Election 2016 look at other person, places, or things that could be President of the United States. — Alternative things are great. Just ask anyone who grew up during the 90s or who doesn’t tolerate lactose. No one is saying mainstream picks aren’t good or are good. They’re just mainstream, like lactose. It’s nice to have alternatives. For instance, you can have eggs for breakfast or oatmeal. But…

1. A Birth. 2. A Death. 3. Be their wedding date. 4. Have them be yours. 5. Adopt a pet. 6. Adopt a child… like sense of wonderment at their cuteness. 7. Stroll through a farmer’s market. 8. Spend the day at the beach. 9. Go on a road trip. …

You live in a garbage can. 2. Your rent is $1900… a minute. 3. You play chess in Washington Square Park, but you recently realized the chessboard is just a guy on his hands and knees begging for the bucket drummers to stop playing. 4. You ride the subway below…

Well, really, it’s already too late. I’m trying to warn you that summer is coming. Unfortunately — like the hated and feared Kool-Aid man — summer has burst through the wall, uninvited, bearing a devil’s smile. Summer is here. It can be difficult to convince people that the things they…